Dear Rapist,

Dear Rapist,

I thought I was done with you. Unfortunately, every morning when I look in the mirror, and it’s always worse in the morning, I see the swollen scar of your violence under my eye. I wish I could erase it. I wish I could make it go away so I am not reminded of the pain I felt when you punched me. 

One of my very kind doctors offered to try a treatment for free to help with it but it didn’t work.

Another dear lady told me that when I look at it, I could try and change the narrative. To look at it as a reminder of how I survived and how strong I am. I’ve tried. All I see is your eyes through your cowardly mask. 

I see your fist covered by your cowardly gloves coming at my face and I see the knife that you threatened my life with.

Yeah i survived. Don’t get me wrong - I am SO grateful I did! Yeah I am strong. Again, I am grateful for that. But sometimes I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to look in the mirror and see the fucking reminder of more violence against me. 

You entered my safe place, my home uninvited. You still enter my mind uninvited. That intrusion often leaves me, one way or another, trapped.

It’s more fear to deal with. Checking the locks on the doors multiple times before going to bed. Checking that the sliding door is locked every time my husband goes outside and comes back in and forgets. Jumping at sounds. 

That scar in the mirror reminds me of having to go to the doctor and go through embarrassing and difficult exams because of the damage you did. You  couldn’t only rape me normally if there is such a thing. No you had to be extra fucking mean and violent and use things that caused the most damage.

I wrote you a previous letter. I thought I had forgiven you - not for your sake but for mine. I didn’t want you taking anything else away from me. Well… maybe I will have to revisit this every once in awhile. Especially since every morning I am reminded of it. 

It will get better with time. Not because time heals all wounds but because I will work hard to keep regaining my life, my peace, my healing. 

I deserve that. I wish they had caught you. I know you’re not the only one out there, and it may be twisted, but I would just breathe easier. 

I still don’t hate you. I hate what you did to me. I hope with all my heart you don’t continue to hurt others. 

I may not hate you but there is anger in there, and what I really want to say to you right now is FUCK YOU! 

Janet B, June 2023