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As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I have lived through the isolation and loneliness that comes with being abused in a way that my young brain could not understand. Way too many childhood sexual abuse cases are reported every year. Many of these children who manage through incredible obstacles to tell someone about what happened, are not met with appropriate responses from the adults that should protect them. Victims of childhood sexual abuse are statistically more likely as adults to abuse drugs and alcohol, to struggle with PTSD, and to experience major depressive episodes. This is just the tip of the iceberg. There are many other ways that this horrific abuse follows the child through to adulthood and continues to put up barriers that make it hard to live a happy life. Telling my story was the most difficult thing I have ever done. My voice was repeatedly silenced as a child, and I locked those memories and emotions safely away in my mind where I thought they would stay forever. That little girl was too wounded to stay quiet. She wanted peace. She wanted happiness and for that to happen, she needed my comfort, compassion and understanding. She finally got her voice. These are a few reasons why I share my story: 1. It empowers me. Sharing felt so vulnerable, but I have learned that vulnerability is not always a negative thing – especially with the people who I know to be safe. It is courageous to be the real me. Living a life of trying to please others and be all the different things I thought they wanted me to be was exhausting. When I share the authentic me, I am taking back control of my life, my body, my emotions, and that feels extremely powerful. 2. It allows me to feel. Feeling all the emotions that come with sharing my story and being the real me allows the happy emotions too. When I shut off all emotion by numbing with whatever I was using at the time, whether it be pills, alcohol, sleeping, and a host of other things that kept me from feeling, I also kept out the happy stuff. You can’t pick and choose your emotions. There is so much good in life, and I am allowing myself much more fun than I have in a very long time. 3. It connects me. I thought I could do it on my own. I built very high walls for a long time to keep everyone away from my reality. The fact is I need support, compassion, and connection. My support group includes my family, a therapist, a survivor support group, friends who know my story, a group of alumni from the treatment center I went to, and others in my life that help me feel less isolated and cared about. I have met the most wonderful people since sharing my story. I have connected with other brave survivors who have become lifelong friends. I felt alone for a very long time and sharing my story has helped me feel more alive. 4. It gives me purpose. Sharing my story and all the gifts that have come with it have given me a passion and a purpose. It has helped me make horrific experiences into something I can use to help others feel less alone. It is absolutely the best thing that has happened from sharing my story. To hear someone say, “I thought I was the only one” or “Wow, I experienced that too” has been the biggest blessing from it all. I hear my abusers’ voices telling me that I will amount to nothing, no one will believe you, and many other threats and warnings; then I say back to them in my mind, “You were SO wrong”, “I reached someone”, “I connected with another survivor who needed someone.” That fills my heart and soul every single time. 5. It is my right! I can tell my story if I want to, and no one can stop me. No one can silence my voice again. I can choose what, why, when, how, where and who to tell my story to. I have learned a lot through this whole process about safety and vulnerability. I have choices and I listen to my intuition. It steers me in the right direction. I never trusted it before, but I have learned to trust it now! Everyone has faced trauma in their life. I truly hope that you know you are empowered to listen to the voice inside you, which guides you to safer places and good choices as you heal. This is your journey. So, when you get the opportunity and it feels safe, I hope you speak up. And let your voice shake (as mine does almost every time)! Janet Bentley, Founder, Courageous Survivors
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