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This time of year comes with a lot of pressure for everyone. Add trauma to the already felt pressure of social events, spending, holiday ads showing picture perfect families, and you have a recipe for old unhealthy coping strategies to come calling with a vengeance. For me, and I am sure many others, the holidays carry difficult trauma anniversaries. During the holidays, visitors abound, schedules are hectic, parents might be overwhelmed, and in the wrong situation, abusers take advantage. In fact, rates of child sexual abuse often increase around the holidays. New Years Eve was a day that my life was changed forever, and is a very difficult trauma anniversary. As a child, I wasn’t able to show my overwhelming emotions - it was far too dangerous. Instead I disconnected from myself, from what was happening. I did not know about boundaries and I definitely didn’t think that I had any ability to say “no”. For survivors with a history of sexual trauma, it’s not just the usual holiday stress that is hard, but there is also the challenge of navigating the old memories that come alive by people, places, smells, sounds, etc. that our body remembers. Not to mention the other tough parts: the first holidays without people or pets that are no longer in our lives; the aches of life not being the way you wished it were; grief for a happy childhood that will never happen; SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder); and others. You get it. Holidays can be tough. The most important thing to know is that you are not alone. Mental health is a beast this time of year. There is a holiday mad rush to do, do, do and then a screeching halt. This comes at a price to those already hurting. There are things that can help, and these are a few that have helped me. Make a plan ahead of time. Write it down. Make a list of how you will respond to invitations that you do not want to accept. Boundaries can be tough, so having some potential responses BEFORE you need them can help you in the moment. A few examples: Make a list of names and phone numbers of people in your support group that you can call if needed. Include your friends, therapist, and safest people. Have a crisis line on speed dial. It is important to have back-up in case someone isn’t available. Your therapist may be extra busy this time of year, or be taking personal time for themselves. I learned very early on in trauma recovery not to put all my eggs in one basket. Let your safe friends and family know ahead of time. An example of what to say to them might be something like: "Would you mind if I reach out to you if I need a supportive talk, or a visit. I am trying to be proactive.” Engage in the things you enjoy most as often as possible. Acknowledge how hard it is to be present and then do something that always offers you relief. Watch your favorite movies. Eat your favorite meals. Sit in your favorite spot, and listen to your favorite song. Find new movies, meals, and songs. When being present is too much, distract yourself. The goal is for you to get through the holidays safely. Distractions are not always bad. A few other suggestions: Be aware of topics in conversations that tend to trigger you and do not engage. Take a breath and say to yourself "I do not owe this time to anyone." Kindly say "I don’t have the capacity to speak on that at this time" or walk away. Make a list of how you have made progress since last year. What are you most proud of that you handled differently? Reach out, connect, reach out, connect! It has always worked for me regardless of how scared I am of it! Please click on the link below for a downloadable trauma anniversary plan to help with this. Make it your own. I wish you all the peace, happiness and love not only during the holidays, but always. Trauma Anniversary Plan Janet Bentley, Founder, Courageous Survivors
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